A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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