I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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