You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think my moral compass just broke
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
