So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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