the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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