my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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