batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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