Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
