my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
