C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
