fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
