I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
