In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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