two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
