Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
