I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
