I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
