he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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