so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
