So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
