At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
