I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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