at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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