There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
