The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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