Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
