I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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