He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
