i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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