Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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