Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
