i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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