How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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