I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
