the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
