1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
