Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
