The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
