My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
why do cheetos always look like penises
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
