I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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