so that wasnt chicken after all
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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