she woke up with a sticky ear
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
