I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
