Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
