fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
