my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
