You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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