I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
