i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
