There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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