I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
